“Yet another candidate has dropped out of the Democratic race,” said Stephen Colbert on Thursday’s Late Show after the Massachusetts senator Elizabeth Warren ended her campaign. “We’re getting a clearer picture of America’s future, and it looks a lot like America’s past.”
“Folks, I’m afraid I have sad news for fans of competence,” Colbert said of her resignation. “The one-time frontrunner Warren made the classic campaign mistake of being able to finish a coherent sentence and not having a penis.”
The end of Warren’s campaign is “further proof that America cannot have nice things. She had a plan for everything – a healthcare plan, an immigration plan, a student loan plan and her most popular plan of all: kneecapping Michael Bloomberg with a croquet mallet.”
Warren’s decision narrows the field to just former vice-president Joe Biden and the Vermont senator Bernie Sanders, both white men over 75. Asked by reporters who she would endorse, Warren said: “Let’s take a deep breath and spend a little time on that. We don’t have to decide that this minute.”
“She’s right, let’s all just take a deep breath … and hold it until the coronavirus is gone,” said Colbert. “You know there’s going to be a fierce battle between Biden and Sanders to win Elizabeth Warren.”
Speaking of coronavirus, Donald Trump once again spread misinformation about the outbreak when he called into Sean Hannity’s Fox News show to lament that non-fatal cases aren’t reported on and encourage sick people to go to work, in direct contradiction of all professional medical orders.
“Go to work? Maybe some of them do go to work but they shouldn’t go to work, because that’s a good way to spread a pandemic,” said Colbert. “Trump’s like the mayor in Jaws but worse: ‘Don’t listen to the sheriff, OK? Sheriff doesn’t know what he’s talking about, the beaches are open for summer, a lot of people gonna get attacked by a shark, but a lot of people aren’t. You never hear about the hundreds of thousands of people who don’t get chomped up. Some of them will get their leg eaten off, but they’ll come to shore and they’ll get better just by sitting around. Their legs will grow back – I have a hunch.’”